17th January, 2025
I'd worked with people with disabilities for 35 years when I decided that I wanted a change. Phil and I had talked about fostering in the past as our children had left home. I was feeling like the house was a bit empty now, there’s no noise and it's too quiet. I didn't like it. So, when I saw a stall talking about fostering when I was in town one day, I had to approach. We chatted about fostering and they arranged an interview. The staff were so friendly we could ask any questions we wanted to ask. They made us feel comfortable
The rest, as they say, is history.
Children need to feel secure. That doesn't happen instantly. They've got to get to know you and how you are. So, firstly, you've just got to be yourself. Otherwise, you'll never get anywhere. Find something that you have in common, so you can do it together. One thing we did was cooking together. Naturally, as you’re doing that, you start chatting to each other. It's finding common ground and some way of communicating, but more covertly than all out saying, “let’s talk!”. Then, over time you start doing other activities together which helps break the ice and form a relationship. For example, we’ve gone to football matches with them. Not sure if that's a good thing, tough, because we’re Rochdale fans, so that might be pretty traumatic!
We had one child who only ate with the fingers. He was a very clever lad, but he couldn't eat properly because he'd never been shown how to use cutlery. Sadly, he was used to getting food out of bins. What seemed unusual to us was the normal for him. It never would have worked to just give him a knife and fork and expect him to pick it up. It took time, it was a gradual thing. Really going back to basics of early childhood development – pretty much starting from scratch. Through that therapeutic approach, we had to meet him where he was developmentally and go from there, not expect him to come to us. It took time, patience and a different way of looking at things, but he got there.
We had a different lad who was into skateboarding and using scooters. He was obsessed with buying all the equipment. So, we spent time together finding places where he could get things from. He used to save all his pocket money up to buy things. It was giving him a goal, as well as a hobby which really made a difference for him.
Every child deserves the correct support. As well as love and care. To us we treat every child the same. Every child gets a therapeutic approach.
Challenging behaviour can be a stumbling point for some people. However, children from any background can present a range of different behaviours. It's about listening to that child. Behaviours are about communication. When you become a foster carer, you'll be trained so highly. And the therapeutic team (MATTS) show you how to deal with those behaviours, how to break them down, how to cope and introduce strategies.
Foster children need their own space. A safe space to call their own. Our motto is, if you've had a bad day at school, the teachers deal with it. You come home. This is your safe space. It doesn't get dealt with at home with the child. The child needs to come home and feel they've got that safety. They don't need punishing twice. I don't like that word, “punishing”, and I don't agree with it. School deals with school. We deal with home, and they need to be able to come to us. They need to be confident they’ll be listened to. If they want to talk about it, then we sit and we talk. If they don't, then we let them come to us when they're ready. Whatever has happened, I’ll ask, how did that make them feel? Then it's about listening to them and not giving them negative answers. You can change a negative into a positive, if you have strong communication. It gives them the chance to sit back and think about what they've done, and maybe come up with a different way of approaching that problem if they face it again.
We’re always honest with our answers to children, and never make promises we can't keep. They need to be able to feel comfortable around us and that this is their home, because in some cases, it will be their home for quite some time.
We did therapeutic parenting training. It was a really good insight into how we approach children, both the foster children and how we’ve raised our own children. It made us reflect on the language we use and how we talk to our young people. You get more from a child when you ask them something therapeutically. It's amazing the difference it makes.
They might not understand what's being said to them, so they just become angry. It's finding ways to speak to them, in a language that they'll understand. Communication that isn't too adult. Using words that are more suited to a child. We’ve done quite a lot of training with how to go about doing that.
When you foster, you've got so many people you can go to ask for advice and to get it right.
Fostering can be suitable for lots of different people. Some people are put off by the association of social workers being around your house, that it’s a bit intrusive. But the reality is that doesn't really happen. However, it is an important part; you've got to have a house that's going to be a safe environment for children.
There's not an issue with doing fostering from whatever background you're from. The main thing is you need to be down to earth.
Great training is offered to give a therapeutic approach but, like we said before, it’s not an overnight fix, it takes time and dedication to support these children.
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